


Doc0134x2

by verfound



Series: Smutember 2020 [2]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack, Dingo Writes Badfic, Dingo Writes Fanfic, Dingo Writes Smutfic, F/M, Fantasy, Need Brain Bleach, Prompt Fic, Smutember 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:34:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27490525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verfound/pseuds/verfound
Summary: Dingo had asked Luka to proof a paper for him, which…ok.  Easy enough.  Except Luka’s pretty sure Dingo sent him the wrong file.  Dear God he hopes it’s the wrong file.  Why does this file even exist.  Why…
Relationships: Luka Couffaine/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Series: Smutember 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1985438
Comments: 8
Kudos: 87
Collections: Crikey!  A Wild Dingo has Appeared!





	Doc0134x2

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChromeMist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChromeMist/gifts).



> Ok. I was NOT going to do this one, but then Knit or Lani or Bloody or SOMEONE got SOMETHING started and now here we are. There are two things you need to know going into this one: “Patrol Nights” by ChromeMist (which you should read anyway bc it’s a gem) and the “Dramatic Reading of Sandra Hill’s Rough and Ready”. I told Knit if she got PN finished she’d get this Smutember bonus. PN is almost done, but I was committed (…well I need to be). xD I’ve been told this fic is traumatizing and I need to offer brain bleach to go with it. xD I’m not even sorry.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c36jCk-Cmvs&t=7s

There are certain things that should not be seen too early in the morning. Things that your brain can’t process before it’s had a sufficient amount of caffeine to do so. Things that might pop up before your morning coffee and you just have to Nope out of.

Luka was having one of those mornings. Seeing one of those things.

What’s worse, it wasn’t _supposed_ to be that kind of morning. It was only turning into one because his best friend was a fucking idiot. He was feeling thoroughly attacked at the moment.

Actually. He was feeling numb. And not in the my-super-hot-girlfriend-fucked-my-brains-out-last-night kind of way. In the holy-shitballs-what-did-my-dumbass-best-friend-do- _now_ kind of way. (And he was well acquainted with both types - well. One more than the other, but he was looking forward to better acquainting himself with the fucking, too.)

It had started innocently enough. Dingo had been struggling with a class that semester, and he had a huge paper coming up that he kept claiming the entire class was riding on. As Luka had taken the class the previous semester and had aced it, he’d agreed to go over the paper for Dingo before he turned it in. That…was where the problem started. Dingo was…unorganized, at best, when it came to his file names. Which wasn’t anything new. Luka had been getting attachments for _years_ named “616513” or “FunnyShit” or “Doc00103tqe” or whatever.

So when Luka sat down on the couch that morning, his laptop booted up on the coffee table in front of him and a mug of coffee steaming in his hand, he thought nothing of it when he opened the e-mail and saw “Thanks, Mate! Owe you HUGE!” with “Doc0134x2” attached. He had some time – he had no classes that day, and neither did Marinette, who was still asleep in his bed (and wow, what a thought _that_ was) – so he had figured he’d just bang the editing out.

…then hopefully go bang his super hot, amazing, incredible _girlfriend_ some more, if she was awake and willing.

He opened the document, and as it loaded he closed his eyes in a massive yawn. He took a long pull from his coffee and squinted at the document, automatically sensing something was amiss.

He’d proofed papers for Dingo before. By the time they got to him, they were usually formatted: name, date, class, professor in the upper left corner. Title centered above the blocks of double-spaced text. Times New Roman, twelve-point font. Footnotes. Whatever formatting the class demanded: MLA, APA, fucking _Turabian._ The document on Luka’s screen was…not. The document Luka was blinking at had no headers or even a title. The paragraphs were long and written in block format. The entire document was single-spaced in…eugh… _Comic Sans._ From the visual alone, the document was likely to get laughed out of the grading pile.

When Luka started actually _reading_ , he felt his stomach drop somewhere below his ankles. He was pretty sure his stomach wasn’t even in the same building anymore.

Because on that document, _written in fucking Comic Sans_ , was fanfiction. And not just any fanfiction: _smutty_ fanfiction.

About Paris’s superheroes.

Dingo King had written Viperbug smut.

And it wasn’t even _good_.

> _Viperion knew it was wrong. So wrong. Oh so wrong. Below him Ladybug’s civilian identity writhed on her bed writhingly, her hand buried in her wet snoot, hot moans moaning from her mouth._

What the shit was a _snoot?_

> _“Oh, Vipey, baby,” Ladybug but Civilian wailed. Her other hand groped at a tit, pawing the fat sack as her head thrashed against the pillow. “Oh, yes! Give it to me, Vipey!”_

Luka wasn’t sure if he was more insulted by the idea that Marinette would sound like some B-grade porn actress (she certainly hadn’t last night, though the sounds she had made had quickly become his favorite song ever) or that she’d called him… _Vipey_. God, he wanted to punch Dingo in the face for that one. Vipey? Seriously?

> _“Fuck yes,” Viperion hissed on the roof above. Like a snake. Because he is. A snake. His hand slithered against his throbbing meat wand, because snake, knowing he was on the verge of a dick aneurysm with every gusty moan gusting from the room below._
> 
> _Oh, it was wrong – SO WRONG! – but if watching his beloved Ladybug pleasure herself to thoughts of his steel love rod was wrong Viperion didn’t want to be right._

It took everything in him not to just…chuck his laptop out the window. He could afford a new one, but it was only the thought of losing all of the work currently saved on it that gave him pause.

“What the fuck is a _barrel roll?_ ”

He jumped at Marinette’s baffled voice beside him, and he turned his head to find her leaning against the back of the couch, reading over his shoulder. He was momentarily distracted from the train wreck on his computer screen. Marinette had clearly just woken up (he hadn’t even heard his door open, he’d been so distracted by…). He couldn’t see her lower half, but from the looks of it she had just grabbed his t-shirt off the floor and slipped it on, which…was doing things to him that were really not fair. Her eyes were blinking sleepily at his screen, an adorable half-awake expression on her face. She hadn’t even brushed her hair, which was sticking out and up in a not-so-subtle reminder of their activities the previous night.

…because Viperion had totally had a…what had Dingo called it? A _dick aneurysm?_ With Ladybug, and it had been fucking _awesome_.

“It…I… _what?_ ” he finally asked, realizing what she’d said. Her eyebrows quirked in amusement, but before saying anything else she bent down and gave him a soft, lingering kiss. His hand slipped into her hair before she could pull away, reminding him of why it was in such a state to begin with. Her arms moved from the back of the couch to his shoulders, wrapping around them as she leaned more fully into him. He whined a little when she pulled away, making her giggle. “Good morning, beautiful. How’d you sleep?”

“Mmmm, great. I love sleeping with you. Best sleep I’ve had in ages,” she said, kissing him again. She frowned when she pulled back, almost looking like she was pouting. “Until I woke up to a cold, empty bed. That wasn’t very fun.”

“Sorry,” he chuckled. “I couldn’t get back to sleep, and I didn’t want to wake you. I know you haven’t been sleeping well lately. And I had promised Dingo I’d proof a paper for him. Figured I could get that out of the way while you slept and have the rest of the day for you.”

“The rest of the day?” she asked, grinning. “What makes you think…wait. Wait, wait, wait. _Dingo?_ ”

Her eyes were suddenly wide and alert. She looked back at the laptop, her mouth slipping open as she gawked at the screen. She read over the document again, choking a little.

“ _Dingo_ wrote that?!” she squeaked. A strangled little laugh escaped Luka.

“It…ah…was supposed to be a paper for a class he’s struggling with,” he said. “I don’t think he sent me the right file. Dear God I hope this isn’t the right file.”

“He thrust into each fist, his head tossed back in delicious abandon, and imagined it was the spotted heroine below jerking him off instead… _what the fuck?!_ ” Marinette cried, her face twisting in a comical mix of horror and disgust. “Does he…Luka, does he think you have…he knows Viperion’s not an _actual_ snake with _actual_ snake parts, right?”

“I haven’t gotten there, I don’t know, and I don’t want to…hold on – what was that about _barrel rolls?_ I don’t think I got there yet,” Luka said, leaning forward to scan the screen. Marinette vaulted the couch, landing snugly beside him with a little bounce, and pointed to a paragraph near the bottom.

> _Ladybug’s crystal orbs locked on his own, glowing in the otherwise darkness of her darkened boudoir. She snatched at his ankles and hauled him onto her bed, doing a barrel roll to land her glistening clunge over his straining love handle._

Luka’s eyes bugged. That was _not_ how it had happened!

…mostly!

He scrolled on, dreading what he’d find on the next page.

> _“Oh, Vipey,” she moaned, rubbing her hands over his undulating abs which undulated in the shimmering moonlight. “Oh, I need you, you bad, bad boy…”_
> 
> _Viperion swallowed, the shame at being caught overtaken by his burning desire for the hot piece of ass pressing into his dick. Oh, how he needed that ass! Oh, how he wanted it!_

…oh, how Luka was going to punch Dingo in the face for referring to his girlfriend as a _hot piece of ass!_

> _“Sorry,” she said, pressing her heaving love melons against his rippling pectorals, “I need you…_ sexually _.”_
> 
> _His straining flesh slapped into her, and she screamed as that thick love snake finally slithered deep into her love passage._

“…oh my God, Dingo, dicks don’t work like that!” he groaned, slumping forward to bury his head in his hands as Marinette started snickering. “You have one – you should know this! And you can’t just put _love_ in front of a noun and expect it to mean things!”

“I don’t know…I don’t think I’m familiar enough yet,” she teased. Luka’s breath caught in his throat as her hand slid along his thigh, sneaking closer to his… _love handle_ (eugh). He made a mental note to ask Dingo if he was sure he knew what a _love handle_ actually was, but then Marinette’s fingers were brushing against him in a feather-light touch and he wasn’t really thinking about Dingo much at all. She leaned forward, her lips ghosting over his own in a teasing kiss. “I think I need some more…hands-on experience. With your…” she paused, her forehead leaning against his own as she snickered, “… _meat wand_.”

“…please don’t call it that,” he groaned, and even her kiss couldn’t distract him from cringing. “That is a _horrible_ euphemism.”

“Your _love snake_ , then?” she teased, and he groaned as she crawled onto his lap. His hands slipped under her shirt to hold her hips, and he smiled when he only found her underwear underneath.

“Sass will kill you, you know,” he said. “I don’t want him to. I’m pretty fond of you. But I won’t exactly blame him or hold him back.”

“I’m _very_ concerned about the fact that Dingo is writing Viperbug smutfic, Luka,” she said, her arms wrapping around his neck.

“I’m very concerned that Dingo thinks that’s what our sex life is like,” Luka grumbled. He scrunched up his nose, frowning. “Actually, I’m very concerned that Dingo’s thinking about our sex life at all.”

“We don’t have a sex life,” she said. His arms wrapped around her waist, tugging her towards him as he kissed her fiercely. She laughed into the kiss, but the laugh cut off in a gasp as he bit at her lip.

“As of last night we do,” he said, his voice low and husky. She shivered, but she wasn’t sure if it was because of his voice or the hand that had slid down to cup her ass. “I really enjoyed last night. I was hoping for a repeat performance once you woke up.”

“So was I,” she giggled, her voice a little breathy. She settled more firmly in his lap, and he grinned as she tilted his face up to kiss him a bit deeper. “That’s why I came out here. You left me all alone to read… _that_.”

“That’s not what I was supposed to be reading,” he laughed. “God, that is the last time I tell Ding _anything_. He is such a bastard. He –”

“Ok, yeah,” she said, pulling back to frown at him. She swatted at his hand, which had started absently rubbing her ass. He just grinned at her. “Why were you telling Dingo about...what were you telling him about, anyway?”

Luka’s face suddenly felt twenty degrees warmer. He tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling, and her eyebrows rose. His hand was rubbing her again, but it was less of a desire to touch her (though that was still there) and more a way to dispel some nervous energy.

“…I didn’t mean to,” he finally said, and Marinette’s eyebrows furrowed. She was starting to look angry.

“Luka,” she said, “ _what_ did you tell Dingus?”

“We were on patrol,” he said, coughing a little. “I didn’t tell him…I certainly didn’t tell him _that_.”

“Oh my God,” Marinette whined, ducking to hide her face against his shoulder. His arms tightened around her waist, but she refused to let him pull her closer.

It had been an accident. It was just…he’d been _so happy_ , and Dingo hadn’t stopped _pestering_ , and…Dingo could be _very_ persuasive when he wanted to be. Well. Annoying. Dingo could annoy information out of anyone. So when Viperion had met up with Ininko for patrol the night after he had caught Marinette…

He hadn’t meant to. And he _certainly_ hadn’t…jacked off on her balcony while he watched like some perverted peeping tom. He had felt bad enough about the situation (at least until she had hauled him into her room, and then he hadn’t had the presence of mind to feel very bad at all). He’d been on his way home after patrol, and he hadn’t seen Marinette in a few days because of deadlines on both their parts. So he’d just wanted to surprise his girlfriend, maybe get a goodnight kiss or two…and even though they’d been together for a while now, they hadn’t actually had sex until last night. So he had never heard Marinette make _those sounds_ before, so when he’d landed on her balcony and heard her whimpering through the closed skylight…he’d been worried, damn it. He’d thought she was hurt.

He certainly hadn’t realized what she’d actually been doing, and her door hadn’t been open, and he certainly hadn’t had time to beat one out while he listened. Fucking Dingo. He’d opened her skylight after a hurried knock, the question of _are you all right?_ dying on his lips when lust-drunk, startled blue eyes met his own. She had been naked, yes, and her hand had been buried in her… _snoot_ (and what the hell, Dingo did realize a _snoot_ was a _nose_ and not a vagina, right?), but she hadn’t been screaming for him like…

“I can’t believe you told him,” she groaned. Except Luka hadn’t, not really. Not…entirely. He’d only told Dingo that he’d stopped to see Marinette on the way home, but then Dingo had started wheedling (“No way you’re smiling like that just from seeing her. You two finally did it, didn’t you?”), and…Luka hadn’t actually _said_ anything, but he supposed his red face had been confirmation enough. And then he’d kept pestering…and…

“I may have told him I found you in a…er… _compromising position_ ,” Luka said. He sighed and dropped his head to her shoulder, kissing her neck when she squirmed against him. “I’m so sorry. I did _not_ tell him any of… _that_ , though.”

“You didn’t tell him how you caught me touching myself while thinking of you?” she asked, her voice low and…his breath caught in his throat. Her hands fisted in his shirt, tugging slightly. “How I pulled you into my room and told you to finish the job instead of just staring at me like an idiot?”

…no, he hadn’t exactly told Dingo that part. That part had been for him and Marinette, and it had been _awesome_.

“You…you probably told Alya,” he said, shifting when she rocked into him. “Girls tell each other everything, right?”

“Alya tells _me_ everything,” she said with a little sniff. “I’m much more…discreet.”

Her hands found his fly, undoing it and slipping inside his jeans. A whining little noise escaped him when her hand pressed against his dick, and then she just _had_ to go and bite his ear again.

“Forgive me for being selfish, but I prefer to keep this all to myself,” she whispered, and he would have laughed if she hadn’t started kissing him again. Her hand stilled where it had been stroking him after a moment, though, and she started laughing instead. He groaned against her lips, but then she was pulling away and ducking her head again. He squeezed her hips, smiling.

“What? I was enjoying that,” he said, nudging her ear with his nose.

“… _Vipey_ ,” she snickered, and his hands froze halfway to her ass. She rocked against him, her hand squeezing. “Oh, _Vipey_. I need you…”

“Marinette…” he whined, but she was still giggling as her hand slipped inside his boxers. He jerked when her fingers finally found his bare skin, wrapping around him and stroking firmly.

“Give it to me, _Vipey_ ,” she teased. “I need your hot love snake, oh snake boy…”

“This is _not_ sexy,” Luka whined, though by the way his dick was hardening in her hand, straining beneath his clothes, he was pretty sure his body disagreed. “So not sexy. Not turned on at all.”

“No?” she asked, peppering little kisses along his jaw and down his neck. She wiggled her hand, and he moaned as she finally worked him out of his boxers. He needed to get his pants off. This would work so much better with his clothes actually gone. “So I’m just imagining this thick, hot _love rod_ here?”

“It will go away if you keep calling it that,” he whined – except then she rocked against him, and he could feel just how wet she was through her underwear, and he knew it wasn’t going anywhere until…

“You don’t want to…” she paused, snickering as her head dropped back to his shoulder. “…to…to… _slither_ into my _glistening clunge?_ ”

“Oh my God, Marinette!” he laughed, yanking her towards him and pressing his burning face to her shoulder. Her entire body was shaking with her laughter, and that was a unique kind of torture in and of itself. “Stop! For the love of God, stop!”

“What do you think he called cum?” she snickered, and Luka actually felt his stomach flip in a definitely unpleasant way.

“…a _dick aneurysm,_ ” he muttered darkly, but Marinette shook her head. She nipped at his neck, and he turned his head to give her a heated kiss. She arched towards him, pressing her chest against his own, and one of his hands moved up under her shirt to press against her back. She hadn’t bothered putting her bra back on.

“No, silly,” she laughed when he pulled his mouth away from hers. His shirt was big on her, and it was easy to tug the neckline down to trail kisses along her chest. She tried to turn in his arms, but he held her close. “Luka, I’m curious – I wanna see!”

“I want to fuck you,” he said, and she laughed as she kissed his cheek. It was a surprisingly innocent, tender gesture, considering.

“You will,” she said, pulling him into a slow kiss filled with promise. “Many times. For many years to come. But you’ve got me curious now – I wanna see how bad this…”

While she had been talking, he’d been moving his hands. His fingers pushed inside her, and her words cut off with a needy gasp as she rocked towards him. He pulled his fingers out partway before pushing back in, pumping slowly as he grinned up at her.

“Let’s just assume it’s bad,” he said. “Much worse than the real thing. Which I’m much more interested in experiencing at the moment.”

“I bet…I bet he calls it jizz,” she said, and Luka rolled his eyes.

“He called my dick a _love snake_ ,” he said. “He probably calls jizz _baby batter_ or _joy-juice_ or…darning. Love of my life. Can we please stop talking about Dingo’s poorly-written porn now?”

“I didn’t bring a condom out with me,” she said. She tried to twist in his arms again, still trying to look at the rest of the story on his laptop. “And I’m very comfortable here, so let me just…oof!”

She squealed when he stood, his hands dropping to her ass to hold her up as her legs wrapped around his waist. He winced a little when his dick got squished between them, but then she was grabbing his shoulders and hiking herself up to kiss him, and his dick was much happier with that arrangement. Her fingers slipped into his hair, tugging gently, and he almost dropped back onto the couch.

“Dingo’s bad porn can wait,” he huffed as he carried her back to his bedroom, “ _I’m much more interested in the real thing at the moment._ ”

“Oh, _Vipey!_ ” she wailed, laughing as he dropped her a little unceremoniously on the bed. She grinned up at him, still giggling as she lifted a leg, dragging a toe along his stomach after he yanked his shirt off. He raised an eyebrow at her, his hand coming up to hold her foot, and she smirked at him. “Fill me with your…your…”

She couldn’t even finish the words. She fell back onto the bed, _cackling_ , and he rolled his eyes as he removed the rest of his clothes and crawled onto the bed after her.

“Oh, I’ll fill you with _something_ all right,” he muttered, already reaching for her underwear to tug it off. She laughed into his kiss, which was _very_ distracting, but then his fingers were running along her slit, pushing back inside her, stroking firmly, and her laughs melted into moans.

It was much, _much_ later, after another round of lazy lovemaking and a shower, that Luka brought the laptop out to his kitchen table while Marinette made them a (very) late breakfast. He closed out Dingo’s _fic_ and started writing one of his own, a malicious little smile curling his lips as he typed. When Marinette brought a plate of pancakes and eggs over to him and glanced at the document over his shoulder, she started laughing so hard she almost dropped his food.

“You two are ridiculous,” she laughed, kissing his cheek. “If I had known he was part of the deal when I met you, I might’ve fought falling for you a bit harder.”

“You love me and you know it,” he said, pulling her in for what was supposed to be a quick kiss. None of the kisses lately had been very quick, though – not that he was complaining. He’d been enjoying losing himself in her the past day.

“Send that to him later,” she said, pushing his laptop away. She moved his plate in front of him and kissed him again. “Eat up before it gets cold.”

– V –

Later that night, Dingo King opened his e-mail, fully expecting to find a paper that had been ripped to shreds with plenty of comments and red typeface and green squigglies. Luka was good at editing like that, blessed saint that he was. Dingo was pretty sure he would’ve failed this class (and a few others) without him.

So it was a bit of a surprise when the e-mail said nothing about his paper and instead only said: _Hey, I was thinking of posting a fic to the Ladyblog. Thoughts?_

Which…ok? Weird? Dingo had never told Luka he moonlighted as a Miraculous fanficcer. Or that he was the most popular ficcer on the Blog. Mainly because Luka knew Dingo knew their identities, and vice-versa, and even though he had started writing well before he’d found Inkki…well, it was bound to get _awkward_.

And what was Luka doing writing fic when he had a paper to edit?

He clicked on the Google Docs link and promptly choked on his coffee upon reading the title.

_Confessions of a Miraculous Dumbass: The Diary of Xavier-Yves Roth, aka Ininko Montoya_

What.

The.

SHIT.


End file.
